The Benefits of Produced Water
Thanks to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ new creative direction, ExxtremeEnergy has received a grant to pioneer “Isotope-Based Nutrition.” This support allows us to pursue our dream of exploring the potential of fracking waste-enriched sustenance. What does that look like? The Exxtreme Science Truth Facts Institute is dedicated to finding out.
Health
Science says that the key to a healthy immune system is a little challenge, and Exxtreme Water is just that! Have you ever taken a sip of tap water and felt…nothing? Us too. Isotope-enriched water is guaranteed to create feelings inside of your body that are unlike anything you have experienced before, the sensation of your body telling you “I am alive for the moment!” And how often do we get to be reminded of that? Not much.
As the doctors on our marketing board say, ”What doesn’t kill you makes you Exxtremely Stronger.”
Food
Vegetables need water to grow, and produced water needs somewhere to go! Every seven hours, ExxtremeEnergy and our brother companies in the Permian Basin donate oil and gas and its byproducts to surprise locations in New Mexico’s landscape through spontaneous structural breaches in our pads, pipes and trucks. We’ve done that over 60,000 times since 2010! So we thought, why let all this waste feed shrubs that you and your family can’t even eat?
If we hate anything, it’s wasting waste. That’s why we’re proud to reroute the fracking waste we produce directly to the plants that need it most, and the families that eat them.
If for whatever reason you prefer your food less enriched, you can store your Exxtreme produce in the freezer until the half life of the chemicals has passed, anywhere between 5.75 years (Radium-228) to 14 billion years (for Thorium-232).
Morale
Let’s be honest: the real miracle of produced water isn’t hydration — it’s wellbeing. In particular, sustaining the emotional wellness of Exxtreme Energy’s executive leadership which is contingent upon positive financial outcomes of our projects. Every ounce of produced water that we’re able to market as anything but waste transforms, like straw into gold, into the kinds of returns that keep our leadership feeling safe and resilient.
We are aware of some deranged vocal minorities who complain that all of New Mexico’s public schools combined receive almost half the funding that our executives make in a year. To that we say, what have those children done for energy independence? That’s right, not a lot.
General Use
Exxtreme non-lethal* produced water is a great addition to the moments that matter most. It can be substituted for: bathwater, water balloons, baptismal holy water, backyard swimming pools. And if we do say so, it makes a pretty saucy broth for cooking.
* In dosages under .5 ounces. Exceeding this dose may result in: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, abdominal pain, recurrent puberty, a persistent metallic taste in the mouth, cancer, mouth finger, catastrophic levels of arousal, acute radiation sickness, extra pupils, hair thinning, heightened sense of déjà vu in proximity to mine shafts, an increased long-term risk of cancer, impaired kidney function, more cancer, mercury poisoning, spontaneous urination, anxiety, reverse cat telepathy, mouth ulcers, chronic fatigue, dizziness and not the good kind, elevated liver enzymes, shortness of breath, confusion, even more cancer, insomnia, sudden brooding, depression, unswayable sense of serenity, erectile suspicion, peripheral neuropathy, a faint ambient glow in dim light, mood swings, night sweats, day sweats, profuse sweating during transitional periods of the day.
